What you told me about helping her to find herself back - is a very romantic step I felt myself through already in the beginning
It was 7 years ago when she started working first in her life when dad’s business was almost always gone and him from home a well

Then they drank together
Then she drank because of the loss
Then she drank because couldn’t find a job
Then she stopped for 2 month because she found one, but work stopped for a good reason, and drank again
Now this last step that she found job, and lost it because of drinking at work

And this is the last step in which I have to realise that my hopes, beliefs and tries that were made always were absolutely depreciated, and not in demand
I want to be happy, and those tries to emancipate her suffering are never useful if I want get that.

One should find self first. before helping anyone in general. How can I rescue someone if I haven’t learnt yet how to do savings for my own future?

You are the only person who adviced me to go to bed after me trying to talk about it, and I did because not for advice I am looking for but fist just to listen to a little bit for what really worries me and by a chance share own thoughts back if have those or opinion if mine don’t go with own beliefs

I don’t know what type of alcoholism my mom has, I am not a doctor. But to these useful efforts to help her not to destroy me I want meet others experiences, the same as it is said that only alcoholic can truly help another one. And I realise my mom is the one when I hear from her the same question my drunk father asked me ones hugging me very warmly on the doorstep of dacha in deep august night. Is when you say that you don’t want them to be that, ask if they want a special assistant help, or if there is anything you can do for them the ask you back - “what do you want from me?” whith this totally blurred, glass eyes.

Sorry for me telling you that yesterday. It was just few days I was surrounded with people who have no mind with me sharing these in some way not so comfortable things, but because having their own stories.
I feel now like that’s because we are russians, and this is the thing that makes you and me completely different.

******

I don’t want to think that it’s exactly my parents grew this no trust in a family thing in me, but still I am amazed how such different from the roots people can get so much one like another having even no any common blood running through their vein.

One would say it’s just me, and that’s ok. I would never recommend that to anybody.